this might be just be the last post that i have for this blog.
maybe.
I might well create one new one... just to end things here.
post number 85.well that might just be little.
oh well. when i finish my first entry of my blog, i'll let you guys noe... from my multiply i guess..
a link that would be up for just a week.
too bad for those that dont get it.
just went from happy.
making someone's day
to this.
crumbs on the table.
having no idea on why i feel like that.
maybe too many people feeling like that might make me feel this way.
never wrote a meaningful post yet.. might not yet..
i want to get so sick.
i wish
till the point that lifting my finger might as well hurt myself.
till the point that no weight can be left on my foot.
got so many things that i want.. yet i cant get them

a good footwear from queensway.
a good bag from crumpler.
a couple of good shirts.
a good wallet.
an unbelievable friend
a mind that works as i wish that it pleases.

Am i worth a cent in the eyes of people?
where am i at all?
i spend my cash on my frens.
but i dont ever expect that they would come back
why do people suspect me?
i mean no harm.
no harm to them but myself.
i at most can only hurt myself.
nothing more.
something tells me that i,
wish to see my blood again. this feeling.
that i can bleed again.
sometimes feeling that pain again might be good.
but there is a promise.
i've come to be invisible once more.
i float aimlessly now, heading to directions that i dont know where to talk from.
maybe the pain will tell me how am i.
hurt me my frens,
if you dare so please.
i need to wake up. dont just jab me.
slap me. pinch me. i'm still in this paranioal state for which my mind is still and can still drift.
ARgh!....
not worth a cean means not costing a cent.
it means costing more than it. DONT you get it?
why do people see such negative things?
why do people react to others on how they feel?
why do i change so much when i see you online?
do i really need it?
staring at the sky, bleeding from my eyes, ears and mouth.

CUZ

OK.... i think i should BLOG today.. since maybe i got over 2 hours more to spend as my mom has just started watching ' the phantom of the opera'... yea... OK this week was kinda fine but maybe.. because of how i saw it, i felt that it was kinda boring... not my fault i think...but partly yea... the last day of the week, we had a debate/courtsession... yar it was kinda fun.. but havoc too.. haha But to end a week with that, i think it was FUN... YEA think we'll be changing groups next week... yeppie... HAHAH.. anyway... i am blogging not just because of that...

Yups.. it was a great day yesterday(after school) and we( tina, Ashraf and i) went out with tina's frens(CL..FIon..IDA..jol..and li rong)... OK OK>>. fine!!! they are my frens now too... whahahah... OK.. i had training at the start of the trip to geylang serai.. we were heading there to eat. ...my weight training regime started. YES... i was holding ida's lappy from school already...yes.. my offer...den at the traffic light, I added one more weight..(permenant weight) which was fion's lappy... YAR la... i noe... but dunnoe le.. felt like carrying something...

yes... then ida took back her lappy dunno when as her lappy(acer) was too huge to stuff it in my or ashraf's bag... haha so ashraf offered to hold it for her!(oooo soooo sweet...) whahhaha LOL.. yar... as we ALL haven been to that part of singapore before(excluding ashraf) we were like lost and depended on that huge sweating... guy to navigate us through the tough streets... by notice, he was like Hyper!... but he was cool man... running all around and all... as my shoulders got heavier on me... then, came the time of 753... everyone(muslim) started eating,... as we were aso waiting for the time to break fast so that we can like eat with the rest of them... yea... (tina and ida before the break of fast went off to get drinks and we were like shocked when they started drinking... cuz we din noe that it had breaked fast already!... ok... we were also, STANDING... cuz we kinda left there too late... and thing is that... the place that we were supposed to be eating , was packed... and there wasnt any place left in that part of singapore to sit. yes. so we stood.. maybe it was because of people who were supposed to finish their work that didnt. YES.. maybe that is it.. hahah BUT... things were going to happen like that anyway.. so it was inevitable...

(while we were leaving school...)
People got held up by some other 1st years trying to tell us how much we are good/bad in love by doing some survey.. everyone had their tests done... except me.. cuz i felt that if there was a need, than you would wouldn't try harder for love, or in some(most) cases, try too hard in love... they say love will come find you... when you try too hard to find it... but does it?... doubt it... and i didnt want to waste anymore precious time with my frens on my first outing...
(...back to where i left)

OK... so we went back walking around and back to the hawker center where we ate our dinner... ok... dinner... that is something interesting.. with night flies flying around your head and sometimes missing your food seemingly on purpose to scare you.. .. OK never eat CHICKEN CHOP there... if you are thinking that its some western food-like chop, jasbdoufh , you are wrong.. so wrong... i ordered bryani by the way... yar... its this plate of food fit for pigeons and its all RED!!.. really the sauce was the colour of blood la.. LOL.. eating that is like poison..aka fear factor.. LOL yar.. 4 out of our 8 ppl ate that... * den i found out some thing... GIRLS- those that we were going out with, DONT EAT VEGEs... ok... IDA WAS LEARNING.. to eat... omg la...WHAHHA it was so weird seeing them eat like that.. yar... all the greens and all left on the plate... wasting of food sia... whahahah LOL... ok and after that, i owed Cl a meal at NYDC!.. ok... haiz... NO choice... that time bet with her... den i din start eating... cuz wait for the rest la... den she eat finish when i was half way through mine... i din complain... cuz cannot la.. like flower sia later... whahah..

ok den after that, we walked.. walked... and walked till the time for the toilet came... haha LOL ida was like really urgent man... whahaha LOL cannot walk properly...she so urgent that she had to hold ash's hand to walk to katong sc... LOL haha should have taken pic... LOL(scandal once more..) whahaha.. yea.. den walk walk walk...

den some unforunate turn of events came when we were leaving.. fion... haiz.. ok... lets not talk about that... yes yes...so after that night, i'm getting another gerl another wallet!.... like fiqie sia... HMMM...but i wont get so ex now la... cuz no $$.. WHAHA... but promise liao... so cannot break... i hate breaking promises... cuz if u break one.. u are a JACKASS.... a not realiable person... yes yes...

OK... i'm talking to myself again... whahah... not good... its sunday.. was supposed to finish this yesterday.. but found out that i din have that time anymore.. so yea...sorry again.. maybe i'll close down my blog soon i guess... haiz... lappy's giving me prob again... sian...

and yea.. CL and FION is working at apple... i wanna work there too.. but all old ppl sia... whahahah ;p ok la.. 1 yr older isnt too old.. whahaha...at least now i'm less troubled...

if you leave me.I will dissapear cuz you never thought about how i feel.. you never did.. and so.. if you ever feel hurt, double that, cuz that is what i feel. always.

I am not me this week. i dont know what more can i think. maybe i'm doing more things that what i wished that i ever did. maybe. I dont know. Was like that since friday.. maybe it is because of the weekend.. i think.. Hmmm saturday... staying up on pure will.. i dont know.. my body told me that i want to sleep. But my mind... just didnt felt like it.. got so pissed off with myself today..

anyway.. i'm supposed to be happy... yea..

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:) ok. that's better.. now... went to SLS(simlimsquare) today... whahaha... and bought my HARD DISK... was aiming at a 200 one but in the end got the 250 one whahaha... oo... yar... its GIG hor... haha LOL yea.. so that makes it like... ALOT.. of SPACE.. haha wohooo.. going to dump... i mean PUT all the animes inside! whahahah LOL... that means no anime.. on my lappy.. ohh.. that isnt good... yar.. anyway...if people that barely understand it, i shall put it in APPLE terms if that makes it easier. OK.. the space in the hard drive.. is equal to 12 twenty gigabytes of IPODS.. which store hell know's the number of songs.. but i noe some one who might know it very well.. so IS THAT ALOT? WHAHAH... but SHIT wasted 10 bucks on a useless multi usb port... its 1.1!!! WTH.. dammit din check.. fine.. i shall get a 2.0 one by myself.. fujitsu lappies (s2020) has onli 2!! USB ports so i got no choice.. whahaha.. hmmm yea... and furthermore, I GOT my dad's Thumbdrive... 256mb.. haha 128 more than my previous.. he got the 1gig one..(shit him.. so big sia.. LOL) any way.. now.. the drive is smaller(size) and BIGGER(capacity) wohoo..! LOL seems great whahaha... HMmm yar... i want a mouse pad..(that one that alfie got...) Hmmm anyway...i think a small hub should do.. yar...

Things seem to be getting better.. Hmm though i see her at times too... but i think its ok.. jolyn seems different too.. NOw u noe something.. i got so many JO(lins-lyn-lenes) in my head i cant figure out who is what... I mean yar.. haiz.. its.. i dont know.. i'm TIRED... yar..

MIssing my new found frens man.. rio... scheuy..CL,... and probably the onli fren that dont know me, fion... hahah LOL yar...she gives me this kind of weird stare everytime she enter's my class la..(like i'm a weirdo la..) hmmm yar.. miss them la... haha yar.. and not to mention my classmates.. whahahah...

OKOK i guess that new found best fren of mine... cant wait to see her name appear too.. yar... i missed out on her too.. haha YA... that nana... LOL i mean TINA.. haha she has proclaimed me as her new best fren and so i have for her.. LOL she's a real fun to be around... and she can confuse ppl man... LOL suddenly.. i feel like i'm becoming Hong yuan too!! haha LOL... oooo i'm going to be CUTE! lOL *puke* i dont wanna be cute..

rather be hated whahaha!! i dont mean it though... FRENS ROCK.. LOL i mean the TV show.. whahaha LOL... errrr... ok... la... frens do rock too... sian kena ground..

*freedon flies away*

a sudden urge to write out... what i feel this emotion of confusion and hysterical
this ball in my throat. it seems so stuck. preventing to take my every breathe freely. friday.
am i like that? supposedly i'm to go collect the money that is supposed to be payed. but. i really dont know why am i still in class.

it started off as my presentation ended. i can really barely breathe. this thoughts in my head.. running figures that never end. times seems to move so slow now. i cant smile what's wrong. wear my mask once more? i really feel down.. like that once. for no reason. i shouldnt have this feelings. but it seems like i end up hurt everytime. I could smile. just now. now.. everytime a joke flies my way, i stop and stare at the person that the joke flew from. not a grin on my face, thoughts of destructive senses flow through me. it seems like i am really failing to be who i wanna be.

silence.
another sad song.
tears that reached the brim that comes to my eyes. never flowing out. EQ. i'm short.. a guy with 70 eQ.. nothing more.. is that alot? 7/10...

the questions started flowing.
all the perfect words all seem so wrong.
is there anything left that i can smile about?

i noe thinking about all these is wrong... but i cant stop it... its my mind.
people that complain about me... about my small thoughts that seem so useless.. i am who i am because i think more than i am...

IDIOTIC.SHIT.

MAN who do my parents think they are la! when i game with my COUSIN they tell me that i'm wrong. that i'm not right playing games. it was 830. FREAK LA. wth.. and it will mostly take an hour to play finish la. idiot. MAN.. arent they that kind to make fun of my little soul. its not cool for them to do that. just simply put it, its like PLAYING with my soul. having to succumb to their living standards of pure vocal pressure. the constant staring of pure hatred down my neck. my body responding by telling blood to rush up to my ears preventing the coldness from penetrating my soul.. in other words their freaking stare is irritating. and tmr is my father's bdae. i can dont come back for his birthday man... its like shit la.. freak its JUST one game... nothing more la...jealous freaks

haiz.

what else.

I couldnt think much in school today while writing my multiply journal. it seems like there was this kind of mind block that stuck to my head. nothing interesting would seem to flow out at all. Maybe that's what not touching ur brain cells will do to you in time. I will blog there again real soon and it will be long, should i try to promise. I shall write... write about... feelings. thats easier to blog isnt it


come to think of it discovered things that i did not predict out would happen but i had a feel that it would happen. HAHA doesnt things appear to have a different ending when you seem to predict it in some other way? .. sadly.. i cant really blog now.. anger still raging in me.. it seems that they made me hate them more.. i imagined splashing my dad's head on the edge of the door. that killing instinct. shit. the devil is holding me by my edge. dangerous as i become, more fragile i become.

Ok… sorry guys… haven blogged in over a week I noe.. yea kinda broke my promise right? Yea I noe… so this is my cover up alright? AT least I blogged… blogging this at 1.35 am on Sunday.. though I aint publishing this out yet cuz I’m not online.. jus going to publish it later when I can get online, and had enough sleep.

It was the start of my school week this week.. rather fun I guess.. many unknown faces but I was the lucky one to get Thomas and Seng Hong in my class… amazingly, we were put into the same group for the first day!.. YEPPIE!.. yea.. lucky.. my first day, met GRACE and ANGELA.. LOL cute ppl.. LOL seng hong the oldest in our group sia.. LOL grace seemed old to me sia.. LOL like 19?? Or more.. but she was like 17!! … I was like.. DON’T LIE to me le!! Den in the end really… angela.. seemed 18.. LOL funny but really they seemed much older den me.. so my FIRST two contacts in the class… LOL yea… grace is my official san jie now.. and she and my family haven meet up yet sia.. I mean SY, da and er jie.. LOL yea… grace looks mature… but she’s kinda like a small kid la.. LOL haha cute seh the was she talk!! Haha… den my fac was like shit la… LOL china one I think.. maybe hong konger LOL dunno… too wordy!!... -.- it was kinda fun..

THEN, my second day.. was with E ning, Ying Qing, GRACE and shit I forgot her name.. HAHA sorry.. err.. I lousy with names le.. LOL like give me shorter names to remember mah.>>.. LOL like Ying Qing is yq… e ning.. LOL damn unique so can remember.. LOL so yea I kinda forgot her name.. LOL sorry sia.. err… it was stressful working with yq la… LOL he was like always working.. no rest.. stress me up la.. sian… but still ok!!... e ning… was like so cute la.. she run here and there… LOL help collect info for the problem of the day… haha LOL she’s like this cute cute small gerl sia.. LOL and she’s born in JUNE… -.- I like the freaking youngest sia… sian… hang on.. still got loads of ppl to ask.. HAHA… yea.. but I got a freaking B for my first grade man… need to buck up for computing liao.. sian… HAIZ>…

Third day… yea.. was with GRACE again!! Hahah LOL this time with RIO, KAh Hao, and this gerl that I wont really forget.. HMmmm her name… hang on… I think I got it… it is…. Errrr….. errr… tina.. LOL that isn’t her real name!!.. its some thing …tinah one la.. LOL cant remember.. HAHA but like she was like my mirror la… LOL so fun.. can shoot her.. LOL until she cant really talk that much seh.. haha LOL don’t care her la.. LOL its fun shooting her.. LOL rio was kinda cool too!!... yea.. its like she was.. playing CHUZZLES and I kena gayed into playing that la.. LOL nothing nice to play on my lappy liao mah.. and I’m like tired shit la… so yea…it was fun.. hhaha den got a few mor frens.. LOL haha cant be biased right? So don’t talk about her being so loud.. LOL hahah bleah!!..

Yea den next day!!!.. no grace… san jie nvr come la… at all… but she aso not in my group.. LOL but kena TINA sia.. LOL and got ening… and HONG YUAN.. basketball one.. 18… yea.. tina is 17 too.. haiz.. so is e ning.. LOL ok.. sat next to tina for the whole day.. kena tortured.. LOL haha but fun haha she cannot stop hitting me la.. LOL she’s like one huge target board la.. LOL haha on msn she aso can joke a lot sia.. LOL make me laugh like shit sia.. LOL… nice fren.. ok.. den today.. got flat earth thingy… e ning took the stand of supporting the flat earth la.. LOL and I NUETRAL.. LOL nothing to say.. haha can support both stands.. TINA’s frens hor.. one kind seh.. LOL say me until like that.. I more socialble mah.. not like most ppl… I am very comfortable with making noise with ppl.. just that.. my method of breaking ice is by SUANING ppl.. LOL its like the best weapon for me la.. LOL… cuz ppl den will like at least smile la.. LOL bleah… at least I din need to lead for like so many days haha lol… so dun care lo.. let that TINA lead.. LOL and guess wad.. LOL I’m making an impression of myself on tina’s frens.. LOL that’s not good.. oh well…

OK… thurs night wasn’t that good… I made a mistake in calling one of tina’s fren’s name a vege.. ok.. sorry alright.. bloody tina.. u need to tell her???? Man.. -.- any thing can happen on msn right? Okok.. fine.. my fault ok? Curiosity kills the cat.. LOL was with YQ and ENING again.. 3 days liao.. LOL ok… but this time got DICKSON!!.. LOL cool seh he.. he cook le!!.. LOL pro.. I lousy shit la.. future is in washing test tubes… maybe even worse… ok.. den make business card.. LOL.. make until damn shit la.. HAIZ.. den dyl help Thomas group somemore!!! Not fair seh.. haiz..CUZ tina’s in it… blasted.. need to hide from her frens liao.. LOL acting shy!!! Haha LOL like real…just kena wrong impression liao mah.. LOl but amazingly she noes what I mean most of the time… and not like my other frens … they don’t really noe.. LOL hopefully I get her right too.. OMG.. I put a lot of ‘lol’ in this blog sia.. …. Haiz… too bad… kinda in a dilemma now.. so cant really think… haha LOL dunno.. what to do.. LOl and guess what that gerl I called VEGE, is in alfie’s that ass class!! Shit him.. manipulate all his shitty words bet he say some shit about me la.. sian..-.-…. Kena wrong impression liao.. shit.. man … what can I do??? I am like that.. ok la.. she KINDA cute… -.- ok la.. CHIO aso.. but… LOL still like strangers.. LOL added her on msn hope she accepts me.. den the suanning time shall roll man..ok… maybe not that much la.. IF she is NICE.. bleah!

Yea.. added SI JIA on fri night.. haha she 2 years older den me seh!!.. what sia.. my god… I tot she like 16 lo… haiz.. my age guessing like shit liao sia.. sian…-.-.. den she like damn happy that I say she look young sia.. LOL she same age with my sis.. and my sis looks younger den me too la..-.-… sian I look old.. but Dickson looks old.. haha he 18 too..hmmm.. den I tot that si jia can be my SI JIE hahaLOL almost the same la.. LOL ‘a’ become ‘e’ lo.. haha LOL so funny.. yea but can la.. LOL dun wann to move her to the da jie position.. later very mahfan.. LOL dun care…let her be si jie liao.. dunnoe whether she can take up that post anot lo.. haha she still haven accept … and she like rather blurr too la…. Hahhha.. but ok… I’m guessing that she’s in… net ball and she swims too.. maybe.. kayaking too.. LOL dunnoe.. haha so dark.. LOL I need to get darker too.. sian I sepet.. and so fair…-.- yea… hong yuan is our class the SUAI ge lo!! Haha so damn handsome la.. LOL I comical.. nothing more.. ugly like shit haha LOL see them now better.. think fri can plan class outing? Haha LOL see how lo.. I want to put everyone’s msn up on the board when I in class on mon sia.. so can talk more lo.. bond as a class.. LOL hah muz take initiative… HAHA bleah.. haiz need to fill up my schedule so I don’t think so much about.. .. about the past… dunno what might happen in the future.. but I wont care too.. yea…just need someone.. -.-… to talk to… yea..

Going to pray my grandpa today(sat) at 10 and its 0215 liao…haiz.. blogged like pretty long while offline too!!..

Oh yea.. happy birthday mark! Hope u have a great bdae.. sorry I am and is pretty busy lately.. not that free.. haiz…

Ok... guess wad... my multiply is almost ready... u guys can go start seeing it.. its in the links if u guys dont know.. yea i linked it for u guys.. kind aint i?... (like real).. ok... just to differentiate.. the person u see writing my entries there is still me.. but i kinda put my my thoughts there.. very little of my feelings.. its mostly on how i view things... so its completely different from here.. so dont get messed up... alright?

Ok this blog i write out mostly on how i feel and what i did.. that journal has topics in it.. so its going to be different..so..yea..
erm sorry that i'm not in the mood to blog right now... been bloggin long and meaningless entries there.. so.. sorry... but just felt like writing down my thoughts.

My next entry there would be on Lies

Things might seem to have gotten better.. jamming wasnt that good.. i didnt have the mood to jam.. cuz those thoughts were still in my head... so sad.. that its like still there.. haiz... but its starting to fade...

my mom's getting on my nerves.. now i've stopped bowling.. freak her..
and she's going to get me if she spots me jamming.. as a drummer.. freak man.. haiz.. what's my life becoming?.. i'm not happy man..

i'll blog soon!! and it might be equally long as that site's.. smilez