i want to cry so bad.. i really do but i dont know why i'm always like that.. i wont go think about it anymore... i swear to god if i argue with her once more, i'll kill myself. its always me. i'm the problem. i'm the one scaring her. i'm just like that. why do i always do that'? one sleepless night is enough. it seems so lonely and time passes so freaking slow when i think about it. i slept at 2 last night.. and i woke up at 4. just to sms her again.. think my 30th time.

i must stop this. i must. i just need someone that i really can trust for this period of time. someone that i'm close to. someone that can take my rants. my horrible need for a wall to lean on when i get too fraile. i just really hope she still likes me when time comes to end. I need to take the rest of the 8 months positively, 7 months of fighting with myself.

its you who determines if you want to do it. I must have control over myself.

i got past the first 3 months with much help from her. I thank her for that. Now, i have to get through the rest of the time by myself.

- 1st of april 2006