depression? is this it?

so ok... today's teacher's day.. yups... went back to school... ya... met all my frens... went to orchard to eat... yup... anyway... boring day today... told debz and KC that i was going nuts already haha and they are now like scared of me... haiz... being ignored isnt fun but... ya i think that i should not like ppl.. cuz i tend to get too into it... ya... i am now.. confused by myself.. its not that i want to... its because now... i really do not know what i want... or if i can handle it... Debz was right... i aint supposed to be alone in chalet... i'll go mad.. literally... anyway... ya.. there's a few things that i'll talk about right now.... been thinking alot the past few days... so... ya... there are many things that i can write....

Hmm ya... been smiling for the sake of it this days.. ya and i got the feeling that ive been used too... and i'm not sure where i stand... so... dammit.. yups..

OK... i shall talk about the topic of death... Hmm there was this case on the news recently when this guy kinda got convicted of murder and put to death by hanging... that did not make me think at first only when the interview of the grandmother after she talked with the convict that made me think... she said its ok... don think about it... everything would be alright.. maybe she meant that he would get out of jail.... but i had the thought that she meant that him hanging... ya it was real weird... i was thinking how it was like to be in his shoes... haha so weird... it was like everything in your life seem to flash infront of u as u think back.. and as u struggle to keep your breath to live on, you would thinkof all the important people in ur life... and maybe those that you have met..den i suddenly had the urge to just die... weird right

ya... ive not been myself lately.... cuz i dunnoe alot of things... like today... i was sitting at the same table as my frens and it was like i did not know what in the world were they talking... oh well... maybe its been some while since i've talked to them..

watched 'must love dogs' today.. with them... it was boring but i noticed that the ppl in the show seemed to have people that they can talk to when they are down... and i seem to be lacking that... maybe i do not have very good frens around me... ya... haiz... maybe i have them, maybe they treat me like one. but i cant seem to feel that.

I want to make friends... but i need one that i can go to when i think too much...a fren that i can trust... get help... will that be too much of a present? i dont know... and maybe, i wont wish to know cuz to me, i feel that i might be not right.. not right to have that kind of frens.

kicking the habit

Hmmm haiz... what a boring day... ok... wait... for the first time,i have nothing to say.. haha.. nothing to talk about.. when i searched all my mind for things to talk about.. but nothing came out lo... so nvrm.. sorry babe.. baby tired la.. cant think too.. haha u need rest too k? haha u sound real tired.. ya?

Anyway... ya promised er jie to talk about it.... so shall put it simply ya... Hmmm as i said in my last post... i did something real stupid and bad.. and so, i did not know how to say sorry.. cuz the reply i got was 'nvrm' i never did feel secure with that.. so.. i kinda went nuts... i hurt myself again.. in the only way that i knew that would make me bleed... but don worry it isnt as deep as what i did before... 3 times only... but so.. i kinda used a lot of force... think the blade was rusty too... haha think i almost fell sick on sunday... ya... and it din bleed that much to my surprise... haha LOL weird.. anyway.. ya... its not deep.. ya.. and my sis kinda saw it today... haha and i said that i cut myself... (haha i din lie la.. its the truth mah) guess my mom gave me that weird look too... haha suggesting if i was alright.. haha i din look at her at all lo... haha

Hmmm ok back to where i left off... ya... its kinda healing right now... so mostly.. u see me wearing my band over my left too.. to cover it... haha weird right ... haha last time.. i used to cut for fun i guess and one time... i kinda like soaked up one whole tissue with blood haha lol... weird lo.. haha nvr told anyone this except...mich la..which i juz knew that she is reading this... i'm sorry k? haiz... but i cant really help it.. anyway... will continue tmr... gtg now.. yups ..bye

i made some huge mistake yesterday. and im not feeling any better... den i continued to make one more. i kinda broke the promise i made with mich and all... yar... haiz... sorry mich... sometimes when i'm down my body has a mind of its own... i cant really control it... sorry...

Hey ber... sorry bout last night's 'event' ya... sorry... i was just too curious for my own good i guess... i was never smart enough in these kind of things.. sometimes... ya... i just dont know why.. sorry.... guess you wouldnt wanna talk to me now right... im not feeling any better anyway... i dunno how am i like going to face you... its like argh. nvrm...nvrm...

haha if i upload the pic which i took with her fone ppl would think i'm mad le.. haha maybe i should... hmm lets see... yep... i'll upload it if i can.. .. ok.. cant upload it... so sorry... haiz.. i blog better next time... sorry... sorry

so there's only one more week to go and i've not called on anyone to go for my chalet... sigh.. what an idiot... Hmmm mus remember to link ber to my blog after this... Hmmm ya... forgot to tell her not to link mine... haha i don wish for too many ppl to see my blog... haha LOL i treat this like a real diary... and i wish that only people would repect that.

Yups anyway... we learnt bout privacy in this week's communication mod. haha Interesting la.. haha my fac nearly got us to check each other's com for "objectionable" materials haha Hmm ya... weird right... haha lucky he was only bluffing... haha.. anyway.. I DO not have anything to hide la!! haha and i'm not that sort of person ok.. haha... i just hate people going through my stuff... haha

Changed fone with ber yesterday... hopefully my parents don get to see it.. haha they'll like tear my head off lor... haha ... nag nag nag.. sian lor... Hmmm her keypad got prob one lor.. haha sms is like so diff. now~... haha sian.... but ITs ok... its ok... I'm FINE with it.. haha LOL bleah... i tot that she meant switching it next week la... Hmm that gerl... haha...

yups... now with a 6610i haha... and i don really like taking photos... but i plan on taking one... haha just for her fone... haha LOL bet mine's like flooded with her photos la.. haha ... OMG... ya... something on with my fone is that it kinda like magnifies or zooms up to the center of the photo when like u put it as the main wall pic... haha and its sometimes quite scary.. haha had some shocks... when i left some faces there... haha(you'll noe wad i mean when u have the fone)

yups... and rumours are like really spreading fast... and i dunnoe why lor... haha anyway... its ok... i like rumours.. haha LOL what am i saying... haha PEOPLE... PRIVACY PLEASE!!! its not like.. i want it la... so... can like shh... haha

thomas is acting abit funny too haha... he's becoming real vulgar and all.. haha that time he like sweared like dunnoe how many times to this chinese fren... haha LOL i was like :o!!! haha and it was real funny...because of the way he said it and why he said it for la.. haha cant imagine him using those words lor.. haha he seems so refined anyway... and my class ppl... like dyl are like becoming to use words like that more and more often.. its rather uncomfortable to be with them.. haha cuz dunnoe la... how can one say words so easily when they noe wad they mean... haha maybe my definition of objectionable materials are like... so much higher la... oh wells... haha beel blogging alot recently.. haha maybe because of some things? haha blog alot too lor... haha rj now write over 250 words lor haha LOL... weird right haha too much to say le ba... Hmmm kk... catch u guys up later! haha gottta go talk le!! haha bye!



venom from a mouse.venomouse.

Been thinking alot today. I need to get joel's prezzie tmr.. sian... haiz... need money too haha... need to save.... haha Bleah... anyway... cant believe that there is only 6 more days i have with my frens.. having onli 6 days and i wont be able to see them anymore... haiz... ok... since they are going to leave, i shall write bout them. all i know bout them. that'll keep my mine off things.

Alfred,Adilah,Halimah,Jolin,Joyce,Wang Wei,Seng Hong,Shahrain,Maimanah,Shafiqah,Ming Li,Yu Lin,Krishna,Yi Chen,Ting Hui,Si Yun,Lesly,Adley,Ernst,Thomas,Cui Ying.

You guys have been always been the greatest in my eyes. Even though at times we kinda quarelled till our guts spilled.. till the time when we hated each other.. please do not take it to heart. sometimes i'm unable to control myself. When i'm emotionally unwell.. yup... its been sometime and its amazing that we bonded so well. And yet we have to part. WHen? 2 of sept... 2 DAys before my birthday. I do not know if i can celebrate it anot now... since i'm so sad that we have to change class.. and its like so near my birthday. Firstly, i thought that we wouldnt be having the need to change class, then my birthday, it would be great... but now... i think i'd be lonely.. and sad.. for my first ever time that i would feel like this... so this is how my birthday is going to happen.. what else can i say.. Meeting u guys was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. meeting u guys as frens. there is nothing that i would ask for than a fren. and it has been a brilliant time working with you guys. And the time that we has together, words can never describe. i hope that u guys fulfil ur life to what u guys want it to be.. good luck guys and lets hope that we keep our contact. k? haiz.. i jinx... i.. lousy shit... damit.. everything issnot RIGHt. IDIOT......... i need to hurt to feel... dammit.. idiot... haiz.. k la.. blog soon... Will one..

Its been 20 days sinced i last seen this page. 20 days and i've changed a total 180 degrees. And it seems that i'm not getting any younger. 13 more days till i'm 17. And i've gotten a chalet from my mom. for that whole weekend. and i dont know who should i call. i feel like i want to live alone for that weekend.. just locking myself indoors. no one with me. i dont know why. i think i might need that time to think out things. if i call people, i cant have a bbq. so wad's the use of calling people. chalets are meant to be fun aint it.? but to me i got this feeling that i've never had before. this weird feeling that everything. everything is going to be so. low for me. 4 days of chalet. quiet i guess. its been really weird of me too these few days. i dont know when would i blog again. so i guess i'll write one long one. but nothing from my life. my personal life.

though i guess i should somehow start with it. I'm a virgo. i'm a emotional person. i guess.

its said that the happiest people in the world are the saddest people. and the saddest people usually are the happiest. if you get what i mean. yup. i'm going to type everything in complete words for now.

Throughout my 16 years, i do not know why. i was supposed to be a good boy but i never was. i am a jerk right now. trying to figure out my life. supposely, i'm am happy with it. everytime i get scolded, i just kept quiet. it seems that things are just so messy. I get jealous too easily so i never got into relationships that well i guess. until that events that happened. well nevermind. i'm starting to drift from myself i guess.

it seems to me that everything has been so messed up... so... i am so free now... to think more on things. And when i see things, i take them for what they are. I........... AGRH... i'll blog soon promise... before i go for my chalet... before my bdae...

its been over a week since i blogged... i cant seem to find anything nice to blog lately.. so i decided to shut Up...

I'm still in sch right now... its been one long past week and it seems to me its going to continue for this week... but anyway... i think i kinda believe in tarot cards right now... oh well... its kinda cool...

Thomas kinda showed me how to read tarot cards today... cuz i juz like stumbled upon it in his bag thinking that it was some kind of GUY thing he was keeping in his bag... AHAHA wada joke when i saw wad it was... So CURIOUS me... i asked him to help me gauge my future... my life... my love life and all... it kinda shocked me... it was quite true for some sort.. so i guess... i... have to believe it...though the future... does not seem bright at all... i'm... i got a 'the moon' card in my life... the card itself is not a good omen already and it seems like its soo damn true... haiz... and hmm in the reading for my love life, i got 5 pentacles card... which i think is rather hard to get.. cuz... ya... i felt that it was rather cool though he said that it was rather satanic... hmmm i think that i don really can realize wad is bad or good...

after that letter.. after wad i said..
what idiot me said.