life isnt meant to be like that, i'm just me,william

hmm life seems to be crumbling.. so i think i'm giving up on things that dreams made me think about. i think hope is nothing but some useless figure that people use to find encouragement. dear diary, i wonder why i was born with such a useless heart. i want to feel nothing... but it seems that i cannot... i cannot forget.. i remember that i liked a gerl once in my sec sch years.. i took like a year or more to forget her... it was horrible... i distanced myself from her so much tat we became almost strangers... i believe that now we are better...but i don think that it'll work out this way for my situation... man... i got luck for things other then myself...maybe... i'm juz made to be hated... so juz hate me... i want to be hated for life... i do not think that i can make it in life.. i'm sorry... my frens after 3 yrs u'll see a duller side of me making more mistakes than others... i think i'm too bastardy to even think well.. i think that i might be going heavily into depression but i do not think i'm going to eat to show it... juz going to keep everything inside... i'll still be the same... juz to let u guys noe that i do not tell lies... i hate ppl that do.. and i think that... i'm going to not talk that much in awhile... if i'm online, u cant see me... ok.. i'm falling for a gerl that i wish for all my life that i would not... for the very first day i deem her as a person that i should not fall for but in whole i cannot control whatever i do... i hate myself.. a moron in the making, an idiot that cant control his feelings... i am too impatient in life... maybe i really need some person to talk to to counsel me... i'm 17 this year and yet, i cannot do things on my own.. i cannot control myself... i juz wanna fall to pieces. maybe i am already, maybe, i've slipped so far away.... i really should not have entered RP man.. everything that i do here is too much for me to handle.. i think that my choices are really bad and that i believe that life is nvr meant to be this way... i really do not know what to do when everything keeps crumbling down... i am sooo messed up... everything seems so complicated.. i dont know how should i feel... i really do not wish to feel at all... feeling is hard, when things like this happens...

william