Idont noe what's gotten into me lately.
I cannot make the same mistakes again.
It seems to happen to me ever so often.
everytime i get out of something,
i fall back to the situation that i was in.

I feel so ill.
I feel so sick.
at times i wonder if i'm alright.
i have so much false hopes for myself.

Now.... how can i say things.
my mind tell me things that i wish for are wrong.
it tells me that i should help.
not take advantage and make things happen for me.
but my heart tells me that if i do that,
it hurts me so bad.

guess what really hurts now is to talk.
acting that everything is alright,
acting my life out.
acting so that everyone thinks that its ok.
acting so that i feel normal.
acting so that i wont feel hurt,
acting so that my life would be less hurtful,
acting so that my life would be less frightening.

i'm losing myself to my fake beliefs.
but i hope that i'll be able to do something different.
running away everytime.

it wasnt my thumb i was thinking last night.
it was me.
i din had the mood or strength to bowl anymore.
it was like thoughts swirling in my mind,
so many,
so fast.

i broke down last night.
in the toilet and on my bed.
it was like.
everything that i sworn to forget.
everything that i pretended never happened,
everything that seemed so real,
flashed back in front of me.
i was really choking.
it seemed so horrible. i seem so horrible.

my parents.
they cant seem to shut up.
when i want peace.
when i want to think.
when i feel like shutting up.
they.... forget it... nvrm... somethings are safer inside.

i feel like i am a mear shadow of myself. i feel that everything isnt going that right ANYMORE.
and still i wait with hope inside of me.but it seems that the longer i hold, the longer it takes, the more my blood flow out of me. the more i feel nomore.

like scrambled eggs i become.all sick and disgusting.i give up. i give up. i just hope for this life to end. and everthing is going to be alright.

i just wanna live a life less frightening...is that too much to ask?