been living a day... without the SUN... been living the night without a moon.. the stars reflect my fate of being DEAD.. everytime i fall i continue to stand up.. i try my best to stand up.. to stand my ground.. to hold my place.. but i cannot... it seems that things keep pushing me back.. i fall... into what seems as the darkness it seems...and guess what... i find this so damn real.. tears flood to my eyes now.. like what they once used to do... like that time she left... she left my life... i dont noe why... mourning the past... it was nvr my favourite.. it was nvr my habit... but the present is making me feel that the past can relive... it seems that it can it can happen.. the pain can come back once more... my fren's hurt seems to mirror mine... everytime i think about that time... my heart seems to bleed... i feel a sudden stab in my chest.. its not the pain that we normally feel... i feel pain.. but its a mixture of what seems to be... emptiness... sure... happiness can be acted out.. i can act... pretty well in fact... but never in front of a camera... i act my life... i act my emotions... but sometimes they gush out... i cannot them so i hold back... i hold to myself... i shut the hell up... i juz cannot talk... im afraid to show myself... so my second side slips out..the one that u guys see now... the 'devil' of me... and he seems to change ever so often... he's changing again.. to what i fear to be... to be a faint heart... to make me lose myself...maybe its because... i think that this flim that i'm acting out.. it is... HARD... its hard cuz.. it seems that i'm.. back... to where i was...when my life was so sad so miserable... seeing her... day and night her pic in my fone... even when we never talked... even when we never msged... i stare at her pic for hours... juz thinking... i read things that she wrote... reminding me of the past... but NOW>.. they are all gone... threw them all away... so i could... let go... so i could forget... so that i wont remember...its ever so painful now remembering those letters... those... words we exchanged those thoughts that we had... those times we had... i remember now... that truth or dare where the rest of my club nearly found out that... i liked her... that we were.... silently...communicating... words really mean alot... for a person like me who can NEVER use the fone to chat... to use the fone to hear a person's voice... i can never start talking on a fone... juz cannot... and i dont noe why...

maybe i'm juz not that kind of a lover...
i'll talk as a fren but never... as a lover...
i'm juz not meant to be like that...
maybe that's y my communications in sch never got As constantly... i can type but never talk..
talk... talk to the person i like... i always have nothing to say... or should i say that i am afraid of talking... making mistakes that i feel that cannot be replaced...
i juz....


hoping to live a silent life and live off till he gets DRUNK till he dies... drowning in beer and wine
.VM.