guess wad.
guess wad.
i'm not me again..i tell myself to forget it. forget things. things that i can never hope to get. but the pain i feel now... so deep.. so painful.. ur skin seems to be easier to cut aint it.. once u done it once.. thanks man... now i'm bloody addicted to it. one more year less in my short life. i'm juz so bloody lost. no direction to head in. everything hitting bottom.. everytime... i tell myself to give up dammit.. dammit... GIVE up... not that i want to.. its that i have to..i'm never fit for love... i don noe why i care so much.. maybe its juz that i don want u to fall.. cuz life's too fragile to do that... i've gotten over so many things.. but this time... problems that weren't mine became mine.. so concerned that i feel... so miserable i feel now.. i need to be counselled man.. it hurts me so much... nothing hurts me so much.. i.. i... i juz need someone i feel close to.. someone that i can juz lean on.. someone.. that i ever wish i had when i'm down.. but never had. i noe.. frens are there..but.things..juz don seem to come to me. never does.. pain that i felt yesterday. doesnt seem to hurt that much.. maybe.. i'm an IDIOT... maybe... but life's too painful to go through.. so painful that the pain on my body i can no longer feel... its like juz liquid on my skin.. taking away heat as it cools.. i dont noe what to do.. i dont think that i should talk anymore... but i feel so happy talking to u... when u...do all those things to make fun of me... at least i feel at ease... dammit.. my heart seems to be sinking.. sinking so deep... so deep... like its at the bottom of my stomach... i cant breathe.. i cant take deep breaths.. when i do that... my heart seems to bleed on the thing that i'll not do tmr. not do... its after the holidays. its over william.. juz forget it... ur time is up.. juz bleed and forget.. forget.. forget once more.. its not that hard.. when ur heart's like beaten up already..another shot at it wont hurt that bad.. but i've never.. FORGET..... quitting bowling is good i think.. it'll help me concentrate...

Forget.. dammit its not that hard... its juz abit difficult that's all... but this time somehow i feel its different.. somehow.. some how.. i'm actually hurting myself... ARGH.... i cant take this anymore.. the pain of feeling nothing.. the pain of knowing nothing.. nothing itself hurts me... nothing itself pains me... nothing

where are u...

where are u...

HOPE...BELIEVE...TRUST...and most of all... LOVE...where are u..

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

listen.
FREAK listen.
that's what i learnt that some people lack in. OH wait.,. FREAK they don even HAVE it.. to hear... FREAK... i juz cant wait till i cannot hold it in any longer.. I've not hurt myself yet. NOT yet... JUZ cant wait till i do... man.. i try USING The scissors.. HMmm...

Bowled u-21 today....freak... CANT even get my hand straight... ALL my shots FLYING away... and i was last on the table... GREAT aint it.? my mom's pissed but she juz don understand... that freak... what does she think she is? man..i was trying so freaking hard... I was so lost so... confused.. and they BARELY even knew that i had a headache while i was bowling... after that... in the car... they said things so bloody sarcasticly.."wha HAPPY now right? LAST on the TABLE... happy that EVERYone BEAT u RIGHT?" FUCK them la... what's with them... they think that bowling is so easy.. why don they try? they were nagging at me in the car... WTH la... i was planning to jump out land hard and maybe end my life TODAY.. BUT what can i feel... NOTHING... they then went on with my sch... LIKE hell they noe me... I'm their son... and when they SAID that they din like me having so many CCAs... HELL... what's with them... THEY DON EVEN NOE THAT I HAVE onli 1 CCA now.. freak !...it hurts me so much la.. not to bowl well... they think that i'm like MY COUSIN... but hell i cant even get some BASIC things right and they EXPECT me to BOWL like those that bowled in CDL... i knew FROM yesterday AFTER watching CDL that they would SAY things like this... BUT hell i was hoping that i HAD the strength to BOWL... i bowled BLOODY 12 games yesterday la! FREAK... and they still said that i should bowl more... FREAk man.. I'm NOT A bloody ROBOT.. FOR god's sake... I feel tired too... I'll sleep so early today... that i'll wake up like 4 tmr... and eat something... den hopefully i leave the house as early as i can...

THEY WANT ME TO SHUT UP? FINE!I'LL SHUT THE HELL UP...
BUT JUZ DON FREAKING BLAME ME. THAT IF I DON TALK... CUZ I SNAP.. MAN.. THIS TIME I'LL REALLY FREAKING SNAP...

Joel felt that he's bowling badly.. then PPL he's NEAR the TOP.. what do u think I FEEL?

wearing a mask is the best thing i can so that PEOPLE around me don feel so sad... BOWLING... enjoy it... freak la.. MICH... what's WRONG... haiz.. i wonder if that line u have now is that painful or they red on my palm will hurt more...

GIVING up man... GUYS... i'm freaking GIVING up... HAVING tooo MUCH HOPES>.. I JUZ have too MUCH dreams...

keeping silent.
cuz that's all that matters.
VM

i feel so great... filming ended yesterday...
they were all at my house... hmm filming...then they all kinda rested on my bed...
she landed on it too... lying there... asking me to let her stay.. haha i was...
thinking bout it ... hahah BUT too bad... Hmmm when she lied on my bed... i could not ask her to get off... i don noe y... i juz.. cant... she looked so nice.. BUT... i CANNOT... i CANnOT... i juz...am not good enough for her... SOME THINGS>.. i wanna leave behind... i juz cant forget... that time...wont help me...

i am a fren type person not meant to love... i dont noe...... i'm juz not me...

yesterday... i tried to cry... i JUZ tried tried so hard... i flooded memories of my past to me.. but nothing seems to come out... but tears can come to my eyes... so fast... while typing this... juz thought that i wasnt supposed to be alive in this world man.. i think when i am alone... and when i talk to myself ...i can flood... memories hopes... believes back to me... how fond were those memories.. and now the lost hope that i still hope that it would linger around with me.. the saddest believe... that i ever wished that i could still own.. the love that i wish i still had... the times that i really wished that EVERYTHING would have gone right...those times... those painful times... those hurtful days.. werent they nice...the pain that i had gone through flooded. i really wish to have that someone to hold.. to talk to...

i think that i'll not be writing my blog for sometime.. till the time.. i feel that i have something nice to write...i feel so.. DEAD now... my heart hurts.. till now.. its numb... i dunnoe... i cant feel anymore... i FEEL no pain.. no pain of that that can hurt me like the PAST.....
this sounds so FAKE...ARGH.. headache again...i shouldnt think...

Hmmm feeling sick today.. woke up and felt that my throat wasnt right... maybe im lacking in fluids... got to the toilet and it woke everyone up... with my sneeze la... haiz... got flu... haiz... at least today was later... not like yesterday.. haiz... 6 am la... siao bo... haiz... today... woke up at 615... to off my alarm... hhaha and like slacked in bed,,,... felt like shit la... then go out that time... haiz... so sad sia... wait for bus got there on time and like MY GOD>... i'm the onli one there la... haiz... WTF... Hmm whoa... my hearing got something weird going on man,... juz now type halfway suddenly felt that my ears all lost strength... hai... like cannot hear like that... haiz... sick liao feel weird... Hmmm don noe le... after mich said 'dont flirt with JO' i feel that some how i was like thinking am i a flirt? haiz.... dunnoe la.. the more i think the more i feel that i am a flirt la.. haiz...

HAIz.. my nose now really weird... haiz... feels blocked... it is... and it feels wet too.. haiz... so uncomfortable... haiz... Hmmmm haiz... so sick.. don noe how i'm going top stand tmr.. haiz...i wanna go DIE... haiz... Hmmm dunnoe...

taking care
taken care of... vm

been living a day... without the SUN... been living the night without a moon.. the stars reflect my fate of being DEAD.. everytime i fall i continue to stand up.. i try my best to stand up.. to stand my ground.. to hold my place.. but i cannot... it seems that things keep pushing me back.. i fall... into what seems as the darkness it seems...and guess what... i find this so damn real.. tears flood to my eyes now.. like what they once used to do... like that time she left... she left my life... i dont noe why... mourning the past... it was nvr my favourite.. it was nvr my habit... but the present is making me feel that the past can relive... it seems that it can it can happen.. the pain can come back once more... my fren's hurt seems to mirror mine... everytime i think about that time... my heart seems to bleed... i feel a sudden stab in my chest.. its not the pain that we normally feel... i feel pain.. but its a mixture of what seems to be... emptiness... sure... happiness can be acted out.. i can act... pretty well in fact... but never in front of a camera... i act my life... i act my emotions... but sometimes they gush out... i cannot them so i hold back... i hold to myself... i shut the hell up... i juz cannot talk... im afraid to show myself... so my second side slips out..the one that u guys see now... the 'devil' of me... and he seems to change ever so often... he's changing again.. to what i fear to be... to be a faint heart... to make me lose myself...maybe its because... i think that this flim that i'm acting out.. it is... HARD... its hard cuz.. it seems that i'm.. back... to where i was...when my life was so sad so miserable... seeing her... day and night her pic in my fone... even when we never talked... even when we never msged... i stare at her pic for hours... juz thinking... i read things that she wrote... reminding me of the past... but NOW>.. they are all gone... threw them all away... so i could... let go... so i could forget... so that i wont remember...its ever so painful now remembering those letters... those... words we exchanged those thoughts that we had... those times we had... i remember now... that truth or dare where the rest of my club nearly found out that... i liked her... that we were.... silently...communicating... words really mean alot... for a person like me who can NEVER use the fone to chat... to use the fone to hear a person's voice... i can never start talking on a fone... juz cannot... and i dont noe why...

maybe i'm juz not that kind of a lover...
i'll talk as a fren but never... as a lover...
i'm juz not meant to be like that...
maybe that's y my communications in sch never got As constantly... i can type but never talk..
talk... talk to the person i like... i always have nothing to say... or should i say that i am afraid of talking... making mistakes that i feel that cannot be replaced...
i juz....


hoping to live a silent life and live off till he gets DRUNK till he dies... drowning in beer and wine
.VM.

I was really tired last night.
taking so much.
filming so much.
I dont noe what happened last night..
it was like I... i took so much of fighting yesterday, i dont noe whether i'm alright now..
at least some ppl feel much better.
i was like thinking alot again yesterday..
so i chose to be quiet..
i chose to shut myself in.. felt so much better in the end when i went out into the night.

reached home.. and it was like Hmm.. haha First time JO talked to me first la.. i was abit angry cuz mich DIN reply AGAIN... haha but i knew that it was my fault i guess... BUT... haiz...i juz don noe why... i barely smiled when my frens were all joking while wallking out of NP...

^u can see from above that my thoughts are like scrambled.... totally sorry bout it... i juz dont noe what to think or what not think now... guess y so many ppl goes to the Institute of Mental Health is beause they think like that... Hmmm i'm thinking again..

oh well.. gotta go for sign language lesson again.today.. hopefully i can catch the beat of the music...

i dont noe what's gone wrong.
its like i have been thinking too much.
things keep going on like never-ending songs.
it juz seem like my mind keeps racing.
and i dont know why.
my heartbeat races and i dont noe y.
i think about nothing.
and its scaring me.
i wanna be myself.. again once more..
just one last time..
its like i DONT know why i've become like that.
i wanna stop. i just wanna stop
it keeps gushing back in volumes..
how i use to be.
the time that i could feel.
the time where i was cheerful.chubby.and cherry.
LOL
ok.. maybe not that time... that is like so sick la..
haha Hmmm.. my mood swing is over!...
yeah!... LOL wonder where i got those things from...
maybe its just the feeling that something is missing.. something isnt RIGHT.. something.. that i think i missed out... i think so...going to game now! LATER dudes!.. and GALS!

Idont noe what's gotten into me lately.
I cannot make the same mistakes again.
It seems to happen to me ever so often.
everytime i get out of something,
i fall back to the situation that i was in.

I feel so ill.
I feel so sick.
at times i wonder if i'm alright.
i have so much false hopes for myself.

Now.... how can i say things.
my mind tell me things that i wish for are wrong.
it tells me that i should help.
not take advantage and make things happen for me.
but my heart tells me that if i do that,
it hurts me so bad.

guess what really hurts now is to talk.
acting that everything is alright,
acting my life out.
acting so that everyone thinks that its ok.
acting so that i feel normal.
acting so that i wont feel hurt,
acting so that my life would be less hurtful,
acting so that my life would be less frightening.

i'm losing myself to my fake beliefs.
but i hope that i'll be able to do something different.
running away everytime.

it wasnt my thumb i was thinking last night.
it was me.
i din had the mood or strength to bowl anymore.
it was like thoughts swirling in my mind,
so many,
so fast.

i broke down last night.
in the toilet and on my bed.
it was like.
everything that i sworn to forget.
everything that i pretended never happened,
everything that seemed so real,
flashed back in front of me.
i was really choking.
it seemed so horrible. i seem so horrible.

my parents.
they cant seem to shut up.
when i want peace.
when i want to think.
when i feel like shutting up.
they.... forget it... nvrm... somethings are safer inside.

i feel like i am a mear shadow of myself. i feel that everything isnt going that right ANYMORE.
and still i wait with hope inside of me.but it seems that the longer i hold, the longer it takes, the more my blood flow out of me. the more i feel nomore.

like scrambled eggs i become.all sick and disgusting.i give up. i give up. i just hope for this life to end. and everthing is going to be alright.

i just wanna live a life less frightening...is that too much to ask?

Hmm.. was acting yesterday... it was so bloody tiring la.. haha and i had to put on eye liner.. for guys who dont noe what is that.. its something that helps u see better... LOL YA RIGHT.. haha hmm it enhances your eyes.. thats all... and it really hurts. if it gets in your eyes. Hmm ya... i look really gothic wearing eye liner... cool man... whoa... haha i like that.. Hmm and they like made me look like that green day lead singer la.. haha.. but anyway.. aint feeling that right lately... my head's been spinning and there's nothing i can do bout it... and i'm going in to the sea with my clothes on today.. so Hmm.. ya.. HAIZ... i'm supposed to ACT drowning.. not drown but who cares.. msn was like something wrong this morning.. haha oh well.. hMMM yeah got bowling tmr.. i miss my club mates... haha oh yeah.. created this guit piece.. for my short film... its kinda simple.. but.. Hmm ya... i hope that its accepted by them... ya! haha :D stay cool... argh! my left index hurts like hell.. played too much guit last night.. haha OH well... Hmm cant act but the show must go on.. im really trying.. but it seems that my words come out emotionless sorry DYL.. hmm.. hope everthing will go alright now... Hmm ya! got problem now... haha YEAH going to meet at 2 instead.. can slack even more.. haha Ohh... YEAH BABY YEAH!!! hahaLOL i'm going nuts help me... oh yeah mich... can tell jo my blog addy la.. haha i don mind.. haha

i feel like shit.
bet i can really act well tmr.. cuz i finally feel like shit.
shit is ProFOUND..
so my fren said to me... now i noe what it means.
to feel at a total lost, nothing to believe in... nothing to make sure that u have secure, no one to depend on. that mixture of feelings. Hmm... LIKE shit..

Anyway.. going to act tmr... Lead actor... man.. and i hope that we can win some more.. wad hope.. JUZ hope that.. i can cry.. cuz i need to... maybe that this thing has come abit too late...
i'm not that sad now.. haha overcomed my sadness long time ago.... ok.. ermm maybe.. not so long ago... during the hols... Hmm oh well..

pain is forever. cuz pain is for pleasure

its been one weird start of the week.
time seem to be moving so weirdly.. so slowly. i cannot take it.
and mich isnt that well too.
went out with her and victor yesterday.
i was like talking to myself at times... cuz they were like...strangers really...
it seems that time can heal things.
i was feeling so much like wacking people yesterday. maybe due to the fact that mich was like ABLE to think of.. ya things even when i was like around.
oh wait.
it was so freaking boring.


words like things stuck in your throat,
makes you feel inescure,
makes you feel uncomfortable,
but what makes things different is that,
when you actually tell someone something,
you will feel better.
but the thing is that people care too much about themselves,
to care about other's people's concerns,
but it may by chance,
maybe by hope that you will hopefully open up around you.
hopefully, in cases of which, you'll feel better.

how can i live like that.
many ways. its just whether if you want to. its just whether you are willing a not.


i'm changing alot man... i was not like that the year before... i dontknow what is happening.. i hate this. i cannot stand it. it seems like whenever something that you want comes along, you see people like you coming, maybe ahead of u. you tend to get so ...... up so pissed. dammit. and for me. for my kind of understanding, i tell myself that giving up, letting go is the easiest thing that i can ever do cuz although its painful, the pain lasts onli for a fraction of a time, if i stay a bit longer, it could be multiplied, who knows, and it'll not become another hole in my heart, it'll be a gash. that ONE person had already left behind.

You Do not need to like to love.
that's my motto. the thing that i live by. that is why i treat everyone like family.but its juz that sometimes i really hate u to GUTS but i keep it in, i wont speak.. cuz if i do, i wont be able to control myself. its not me. i'm. i dont noe who i am, what i am for the fact. it disappeared as that person did.taking away,leaving me choking everynight.in my tears.

-VM

its been one weird start of the week.
time seem to be moving so weirdly.. so slowly. i cannot take it.
and mich isnt that well too.
went out with her and victor yesterday.
i was like talking to myself at times... cuz they were like...strangers really...
it seems that time can heal things.
i was feeling so much like wacking people yesterday. maybe due to the fact that mich was like ABLE to think of.. ya things even when i was like around.
oh wait.
it was so freaking boring.


words like things stuck in your throat,
makes you feel inescure,
makes you feel uncomfortable,
but what makes things different is that,
when you actually tell someone something,
you will feel better.
but the thing is that people care too much about themselves,
to care about other's people's concerns,
but it may by chance,
maybe by hope that you will hopefully open up around you.
hopefully, in cases of which, you'll feel better.

how can i live like that.
many ways. its just whether if you want to. its just whether you are willing a not.


i'm changing alot man... i was not like that the year before... i dontknow what is happening.. i hate this. i cannot stand it. it seems like whenever something that you want comes along, you see people like you coming, maybe ahead of u. you tend to get so ...... up so pissed. dammit. and for me. for my kind of understanding, i tell myself that giving up, letting go is the easiest thing that i can ever do cuz although its painful, the pain lasts onli for a fraction of a time, if i stay a bit longer, it could be multiplied, who knows, and it'll not become another hole in my heart, it'll be a gash. that ONE person had already left behind.

You Do not need to like to love.
that's my motto. the thing that i live by. that is why i treat everyone like family.but its juz that sometimes i really hate u to GUTS but i keep it in, i wont speak.. cuz if i do, i wont be able to control myself. its not me. i'm. i dont noe who i am, what i am for the fact. it disappeared as that person did.taking away,leaving me choking everynight.in my tears.

-VM

haha... TRIED staying up last night but it seems that how much i tried... i still fell asleep. this time because... that PERSON... din reply me la! hmph!.. anyway.. going out today... hope that jav.. and Jo... can go out... hMM.... juz realised that the people that i noe that are bowlers have names starting with the letter "j" la... for example:
joel
javier
john
johnathan
joanna
jensen
jerome
JASMINE*cousin
JASON*cousin

and that's like alot man... hmm... so many J's hmm i noe even more that have Js that dont bowl la! omg.. what's the thing with j?? hmm.... maybe its cuz my name sounds like shit... or.... hmm... dun care.. whaha... hmmm but really... everytime i meet people... i juz really hope that they choose their names to be other alphabets other than J... hmmm...

Guys and gals! have you been listening to My Chemical Romance? its a great band. really cool. their. music aint BORING too... they got a range... if u haven heard, go get them from ur nearest GOOD music store. haha like advertising for that band like that..

i think i wanna get away from all this... things that get my life complicated i need rest... (agreed).. hmm my second side... he rarely comes out.. but he did.. and with full force of anger. to this poor gerl that had to stand him... i feel really like... so sorry.... so i got her a pair of earrings.. or should i say... 2 pairs of earrings.. haha..
hope this makes her happier... everytime i think that she's alright... she... keeps jumping back to square one... she keeps... going back to that state... to that state of where her purest of pain keeps.. coming back...

sorry gerl... i wanted to help u... but some things u gotta be willing to do ferst... k? i'll be here... don worry

its been hmm.... a good night... but i always fall asleep too early... hmm... ive not been reading books lately... oh wait... i've not been reading books for such a long time... whaha umm hmmm feeling better lately... thinking of lots of stuff... i try to keep myself busy so that thoughts of the past would not slip into my mind and linger there. hmmm guess my dad's gonna be pissed with this month's bill bet its gonna explode... haha.. dammit... man i should start calling people man.. on the HOUSE fone... hmmm but smsing is SO much better for me... jo's like the msg machine.. she can really reply so fast... hmm guess i SHOULD.. hmm i realised something... i realised that i've not been that sad and down till that state on sunday... oh WELL.. i'm back... haha hearing feel good inc. ... so cool... hmmm i wanna go out on wed man... cant stand it... missing some peps already.. sorry guys... hahaha i think i'll be freakingly busy till then... haiz... mich got her bowling too... so vict how? Oh.. WAit... victor doesnt noe my blog add... oops... haha.... OH well... it seems to me that i take a pretty long time to do stuff.. was at the aluminium durian... taking shots for a short flim... oh man... haiz.... i think i'm going to be the actor la.!!! WTF... haiz... i so ugly yet they want me... take RAIN la... haha he's better at least... haiz.. oh well... think i can act.. i hope... going to shoot this week again... hopefully this sunday....

oh yeah jet's new album is coming out man... haha love it! hm... mich got my things hostage.. aa hmm... but i don mind... ahah oooo.... hah OH wait.. her parents are coming back already.. oh well...need to get them back... hmm sorry mich fell asleep again... to tired i think... hmm i feel that today's gonna be a great day... learning how to sign the national pledge.. haha hopefully i've not forgotten the words..:we the....citizens of... : eerrr... yeah got them... hahah ;p oh well gtg.. will be back... haha yeah! meeting da jie later... gonna smack her... haha how can she like that give up... hahah A's gonna suffer man.. whahaha...

i'm sorry mich. i noe i'm a bastard. but i juz cant stand u doing nothing. i juz cant see u suffer like that. i'm sorry. i'm very sorry. it breaks me in two to see u like this. so like me. a mirror of me. juz that i went to total lengths to forget things. i'm sorry.i'm really sorry.

words seems to fail u when u need them. that's wad i've fou.nd out since secondary 3. i was falling for someone finally. i was glad that that she felt the same too. everything was going on so fine. so i thought.. puppy love was forever so nice wasnt it. we exchanged letters.. oh.. words.. FUCKINGwords what was i thinking. letters, words. caused my heart to break. i felt so horrible then. in a blink of and eye, everything was changing for me. the bright sunny days of summer turned to the ever winternights. all cold. nothing more to feel. fuckthem why did they have to do this to me? i nvr wished for this. i could have done so much better in my exams if she was still there. my nightmares were all coming true. it was terribly tearing me up from inside. burning up my soul. i tried to talk to her some what i tried. but however. who was i. nothing ever made up. everything that i scored well in disappeared. i scored so brilliantly low for that year. my parents can still ask what was wrong then. what am i. they're fucking robot? they tore me apart and yet the thought in the clearest of minds that i would continue to function properly?wearing a invisible mask in the day. in sch. crying my heart out everynight. everything felt so horrible.like my guts were all spilling out. that was one year that i'll never forget.

talking to my fren now.remembering all this pain that i feel. now how can i ever feel like that. liking someone and telling my point of view.. who am i? what's my fucking problem. i'm so fucking selfish.losing someone is really painful and nothing seem to mean anything anymore.words like clog in my throat.nothing seems to come out.this huge lump that i'm holding back.for a fren.i'm going nuts.everytime i try something.something that i hope to work.something that seems so selfish. i seem to fail. the knife that glances my heart ever so often would not sink its blunt tip into my heart.cutting myheart with its razor edges.why torture me.everytime i give up. i say why torture myself. so i give up.and i notice that that holy one from above has granted that person someone that likes.that accomplishes something that i fail to do. everytime without fail.so.so i have nothing to say. i grit my teeth. go on with life presuming that it'll be better in the future. but it seems that the future is all dark.cold.like the world that i fell into 2 years ago.oh.wait.i nvr got out. i juz imagined that the world would be better.so it seemed bright.so it seemed that i WILL be a little brighter.choking in my tears at night at times.iwonderWHYmeWHY in this fucking whole world why me.guess wad.i've never been attached. just been acting out a guy who has found love.a guy who can be talked to.who can live strong.like a sea urchin. showing off my dangerous spikes.always one the sea bed. waiting for some one to find me. but it seems that i'm too far down. too deep to be found.all the pressure outside..crushing my shell of protection..

but now... its not my problem that i need to solve. i need to help this gerl that cant seem to forget her past. she wants to.she wants to forget about him. but she keeps thinking bout him. i do not know why i would want to help her.a fren? maybe.i juz don wanna put too much faith in things that seem to fail me everytime. but i really wish to help her. but its out of my power. everything that i try.dammit i feel so freaking helpless.seemingly, this gerl is really close in behaviour of the gerl that i once liked.forget it.i think. but i'll lend her a shoulder ferst before disappearing. into the cold dark night that i love so much.that i've gotten so used to.the onli thing that i can trust to ever return to me. to be there for me. the night.the cold dark night. where my tears can choke me. can turn to ice. can make me feel ever so cold.

hmm sorry if u guys din understand my last post... i was like not reading what i was typing... sigh... thousand apologies...

hmm.... it seemed that i wanted to describe how life nearly came to an end for me... haha... oh well... my english is getting too horrible, even for me to believe... oh man,... what ever happened to my practice? sigh..... hmm i nearly died so many times... 3 to be a fact... haha... so cool... I CAN AVOID DEATH.... whoa...

anyway... yesterday, all of those bowling in the youth challenge seemed really depressed... they all didnt score that well... and they were all like - i'll kill you..if u come too close..- especially joel... haiz... they were all going mad la.. haiz... MICH... i'll always be here... so do worry... hahah

haiz.... i woke up so early today la... when i slept at 2 la.. haha watching nothing as usual on TV.. haiz... i like ate 1 ice cream 0.5 packet of dortios... and one can of hmm peach blossom tea... so nice... all taken at 1 am... wooooo... haha felt so good... so .. hmm FILLED...

think i better get going on the things i'm planing to do...

so LATER dudes....

-vm

one week or dats if i remember it correctly... hmm its like WRONG>.. oh...well.... hmmm;P

sorry aint been posting this few days... hmm one thing's been on my mind lately and that it does not let go... It was early last week... and i was going to school and as usual... i was listening to music as i was crossing the road... and like i said.. i was listening to music... and then a bike was speeding to me already..
and i juz stopped there in the middle of the road staring at the bike... as he blasted his horn away... i heard the bike tyres screech... even as i heard my overly loud music, the screech was still as loud... it was like i felt no thrill at all... everything came to a slow... and was like so depressed... i could not feel anything... my heart was also not beating fast at all.... hmmm... dying then seemed so far away. it so attainable... it seemed so boring to me... or so i felt...

its been the holidays lately... and it seemed like i'm going to forget her... that gerl that i really like... it seems that i can really live without her... though the cash that i spent i can nvr get back... maybe i'll take sometime off... maybe to think bout our frenship... and how i should treat it... haiz....... oh... she doesnt noe my blog add anyway... sigh... haha ummm aint that better... i'm at a worse end MICH.... so i got problems that u dun wanna be in... haiz.... u gotta noe me better ferst..

it seems that we have been sooooo close man... haha LOL hah like umm... bro and sis... though.... hmmm i think i might... be like be treating u more den a fren at times... whaha wad u thinking??? enemies wad aint they MORE than frens??? haha ok la.... joel like not reallly ok recently la.. how to cheer him up sia... haiz... i think that i going to die man... hahah LOL haiz... wads wrong with him man... haiz.... LOL and joannna ah... she's cute... yeah... but umm... how to say... we are still strangers la./... haha i noe.... i mix welll... haha but i noe how and who should i mix to and with....so... maybe i'll not mix with linel(think i spelled his name wrongly... but heck la!)

haiz...

edrea ah... its good that u wanna study... but then... i hope u find someone that u really like man.. haiz... so ummm... maybe wanna go out in the last week of the hols??? hahahLOL =)

sorry la milo... i noe i supposed to write longer but NO TIME la... haiz! wad sia,... pain le... going to bowl liao... see YA!? tmr!ok... love ya gerl!smuack! whaha lovely lil beauty... oops... whahaha wad am i saying?!?!? haha ummm ^o) hahaha

-loving living liking.. HIS LIFE-

- the very welll V_M-