freak man... i get so pissed off so fast lately... what irritates me comes back everytime and with me just thinking of it spurs me into a mad rage. I do not know why but my brain replays what i thought that irritates me to the point, the time of which i just burst and feel like HITTING.. someone.. anger... haiz..

I'm not sure on what i should think upon lately. Just that things like that brush upon myself so fast lately that i feel that i might not have the opportunity in making sense of what i've been through... i think that doesnt makes sense at all but heck...

Hmm at lost on what to feel.. but at the same time feel lost too.. i don noe why are things like that

i think tht i wont blog for sometime now... i've like stopped visiting blogs that much... hmm.... been gaming loads... and its not good frenship and fone calls seem to like be nothing... haiz...
i'm bored from life...
i'm bored of being lost..
i keep thinking things will be for the worst..
i keep thinking that things wont end up my way...
and you should not know the ways that i think cuz u'll think that i'm nuts.
i don want to think like that...
but i cant help it...
i'm scared real scared... real scared....
i dont want to think...

its hard for things to be what they used to be when u know things that i shouldnt have let u know.
its hard for things to go on like what it used to when things are like that.
its hard for me to sleep at night when things keep popping up in mind.

I went to bed at11...last night.. and slept at 12... was thinking bout loads in bed last night.. how life was supposed to be great and all.. but it all doesnt... my pillow got all soaked because of this.. i just.. cant seem to figure it out... guess that's why people hate me..

i lost all my mood to eat now.. pretend that i'm hungry and eat all i can... i just do not know...i told myself that the mask that i used to wear in sec sch... i could wear no more... but it seems that i am so damn tempted to wear it once more.

i hurt myself in giving life one last chance and now... i'm peeling my skin out..

last night, for the first time..my heart hurt so bad that i literally could not breathe. that every breath that i tried to take... was stabbing deeper in my chest. thatworm... that is eating my heart has made his appitite so damn big.. i lost some thing last night.. that thing that motivated me to do my work... to live life to the fullest. i lost joy.

i am shit. not to mention i screwed myself up so much that i sucked so bad. somethings shouldnt have been don like that. i shouldnt have broke down infront of my dad.. shouting at him in the car. its been my fault i'm sorry. but i still cant trust u guys. i nearly. let out my word... that i have problems of my own. that they needed to worry for me again.

i'm so down.. why do i like to torture myself again? torture myself to the point where my heart feels like stopping. to the point that i feel that why do i like continue to be like that.
i.i.... how to put it to words to u?.. i am a person that has very little words. and i'm sick in class.. i'm an ass... idiot....

so it all begins. and so it all ends. sigh. what am i supposed to do. i trust strangers more than anyone. i can tell people that i hardly noe things that i wouldnt tell my normal frens. i'm worrying myself. i think too much?.. yeah.. i know.. but its just me.i'm just like that. i think. i'm a shithead. a jerk. a moronic asshole. a lump of junk that has been punked. the degration of himself is because he... sigh. nvrm. i'm really lost right now... how do u feel bout him? how do u feel bout me? i think i noe why i'm like this. i think i noe why i'm no good in relationships. relationships that deal with love. iJUST... i just think too much... i think... pessemisticly. i think everytime that things will never go right.. never end up my way. in which cases, it still never does.and i've begun to have such a feeling that its.. getting used to me. and i'm down everytime i think about it. life sux. i thought about it today. this morning. while eating.i was like losing my appetite so fast. damned.. hmmm victor asked me why do ppl get sick... yesterday.. and i din noe what to reply... i noe wad he meant. but i really couldnt think. too many things on my mind already. so i just replied: ppl get sick cuz they are sick. that's why ppl are sick.

sigh.its going to be his birthday this tues. so i think i'll buy him something on monday.ARGh. and i muz get those lollipops too... hmm30... 30 lollipops... think i'll get them on different days...thats like.... 15 bucks... OMg..ARgh... headache...

oh yeah... i juz remembered. my mom told me something that literally shocked me yesterday. it was this maintainence guy in the bowling alley that i frequent. he passed away. he had high fever. and ya... he just passed away.. cuz he took a cold bath... do not take a cold bath when u get a fever. u need to feel comfortable with the temperature. when u suddenly lower ur body temp. ur body wont be able to take it. and u have a high chance of dying. cuz... ya.. and u get fever cuz u... have a brain infection or it could be that ur liver is infected too... so go see a doc. if u have migrane most of the time, go see a doc too... the possibility that u have a tumour is high too.. mich has high fever now and she is still msging... that crazy gerl... tell her go rest for so long... tell her not to study... and like she just doesnt listen... IDIOT.. she doesnt know how to take care of herself.... sigh... that blooody javier passed his DISEASE to me... and now i'm sneezing like... dammit...and my brain hurts now... sigh.

thats all i'll ever do.. sigh
my life is.. sigh.
i think i'll write one letter and then.
yup... just ONE letter. should i?
cuz then everything might just leak out of me..
i juz take a bet. and i'll write.
i'll write EVERYTHING out.
everything.
and if my heart bleeds so much,
i would just disappear. disappear into the dark.
disappear into the night.
and i will not appear again.

Hmmm.... haiz.. some ppl can shout out... some people cry... but i cant... haiz... when i'm down... i can nvr shout... nvr cry.... i cant... but onli at times... i do... when i'm all alone..all.. dark... den i will tear.. haiz... when i don talk... i juz think... so i try to talk more....so that i wont think...

but then my mom... is crazy... she wants me to shut up/.... for wad? i talk too much? sigh.... i do not know... i DO NOT... man... if i shut up... i wont talk that much again... my frens are noticing that i'm changing alot too... man.... i dont know how to control myself...can i just hurt myself... can i just... no... dammit.....don do it.... my promise

my eyes are tired... they need to be taken out and rested...my heart needs to be replaced... cuz its damaged.... its not easy....

though i smile and my friends are near, its a lonely time of day.

it hits me now and then... many things that i do.. i still cant force myself to forget... the past and the present...sigh....

had a weird dream last night.... and the night before... everyone had that... person inside... every dream... dammit..... cant talk today again...

don feel like talking...

falling sick too... i don noe wad to do...my brain is so psinful of thinking.... i'm in pain.... for wad... i juz dont know.... i juz need some time... to think again... freak i'm at fault again... freak man... wad the hell.... sigh....

hell.... maybe i wont talk that well... i dont care.... if we lose den it shall be... whatever...

i'm juz sad cuz u are too... im thinking cuz u are too... bloody devil... don copy him... its nothing nice to copy about...

i need a punching bag.

i don noe where i'm headed. but i'll wait for u till my time is up..hmmm i think... i dunnoe wad to think..its like everytime i try to think of things to do... this ethical things in my mind keeps popping up...time.. and time again... and u said that is wad u need... time... time of being alone... being so... so quiet... it scares me...

i think i need to have an empty space too... i need some space to write to myself... cuz being online... writing online is tooo dangerous for either me OR u... and i don noe y... I always keep denying... denying things that u guys keep saying.. keep... pestering me....

maybe one day.... i'll hurt myself so bad that u guys will stop all these.... i noe... but i'm really really lost right now....

people tend to want things that they cant get most...haiz...

what should i do?...
freak i'll just go and die...
den i'll be at peace...
hmmm maybe after today... see wad happens today... HAIz...miss u

i'm tired of all these. i noe... some of u might know some things that u might not need to noe... might not have needed to know.. i should not have talked.. i shouldnt have said anything. shouldnt have said a word.. and lived in this world of hatred..

i should not like. that thing inside of me... AN IDIOT..the bloody devil.. ARGH... i wanna feel pain.. but i'm bounded by a thing that i cannot break.. from what i see.. i'm just trying to hand me down...thinking now that... ARGH... maybe... i should juz cross the road tmr without looking... den... i wont feel anymore pain... RIGHT after one long hurt... but it really much better then now... i cant seem to find the thing that hurts me... ARGGHHH!!! DAmmit...

so long it takes me...
to try to forget....
but should i give up?
should i tell myself that i need that time...


i really don noe wad's happening...im losing control of myself... i'm falling apart... like a machine... like a worthless soul.. think i shouldve sold my soul to the devil when i had the chance.. at least... my heart would not feel this now... haiz...

was looking for hitler's picts today... don noe y.... but i din find them.. i remembered my teacher... my history teacher describing the way he commited sucide... a gunshot to his head... haiz.. don noe... think i'll not sms , talk or im that much tmr... i'll be going home early... a promise that i've made...

its u who is making me tear..
the unknown makes me fear..
though there might not be enough light,
i hope that i'll put up a fight.

here i come back.darken streets, liveless soul. here i come.

in sch right now... and i decided to blog again... haiz...i dont noe wad to blog now... reallly.... sigh... so many things that are so complicated.. so many things that i do not noe... so many things that i wish to noe... so many things that i wanna say... so many things i wish to say.. the very first thing that skips to my mind each day...
EVERYDAY..
maybe i treat some people that i like pretty well... and that i.. think that i might noe that too... hmmm maybe i'm the kind of.. person that is like that... zhong se qing you de ba... maybe to my better frens.

HAiz.... i feel so sick... from myself... i'll just stay in sch and dive into my world of gaming.. i don noe wad should i do man... its not EASY for god's sake... hmm i need to noe... what should i do... i try to shut up at times... and at times when i should talk,... nothing seems to come out... its like i juz don feel like talking at times i think... just like on saturday.... dammit...

god oh god
what do u want from me?
man is making future hold.. painful it is to me.
my destiny depends on myself. the pain i feel..
the lost i feel... help me...

i'll keep thinking till the day u stop me from thinking... stop me from hurting my heart

false hopes high.
tears they wont dry.
all night i cry.
falling deep down.
i feel so cold now.

why do i think that i might have hope.
why do i think that hope might some how arrive.
u make me full.
u make me real.
u make me think that i can make it.
but everything to me is a smoke of a cig.
a puff.. and when the wind blows.
the smoke like my dreams follow.
i don noe if i can last a whole week like this.
whole lot of quietness and peace.
invisible, i become.
i feel this thing that i believe i felt before.
but i still am unable to understand what in the world is it.
i'll try not to hurt myself.
i'll try to promise.
but i'll.....
i don noe wad should i do...
i just want to drown my sorrows.
drown myself.
life is hard. so damn hard.
brilliant things that seem to be brilliant. nvr makes it.
i just wanna run fall and see my skin tear.. bleed... that's going to keep my mind away from things for awhile... i don think i'll be going to be that social animore... for today i HOPE..
HOPE.. everytime this hope.
i wanna punch till my hand bleeds. crash till my life is messed up.
and then,
i can die.
quietly.

i was weird again yesterday.. think today too... aint feeling right... don noe... haiz...

they were bowling interclub yesterday. hmmm won the first, lost the second and third.. but they were playing alright.. just that the opposition was rather strong. the anchor... was like going for perfect game EVERYtime la... wah lao... he had like 2-4 spares each game... MAD ass... hmm but he's really cool too.... anyway... ya la.. haiz... don noe y... i had voice... but deep inside i didnt wanna shout... i don noe why i went there for... like i was there for nothing.. haiz... so tired too... anyway...

going to the beach today.. Hmmm going to have bbq with my primary sch frens...haiz.. think i'll go there and think more la... think bout nothing...i think that i'll be even worse when i come home.. haiz..

i always try to cheer myself up... Hmmm yah... to make ppl happy..hate to see ppl when they are sad... i remembered my grandpa last night while bathing... he passed away like a few years ago... he treated me real good when i was young.. cuz i was the oldest grandson in my mom's side.. Hmmm he really treated me real well... bought me ice cream and toys.. i miss him... and i remembered when i just entered sec sch.. sec1 that time... my aunt... she treated me real well too...(she's still around) she really made me feel touched man... it was the first time that someone... not my immediate family bought something that i really wanted for my birthday. it was the first time.. that on my birthday that i TRULY felt joyful felt bliss to have such ppl in my life.

but now... i'm juz lost... don noe where to go.. what to do... no one giving me instructions.. hmmm maybe i juz needa talk... i keep telling myself this "i'll be your ears if u'd dare to be mine" like IN hearing troubles... but when ppl agree... i seem to shunt away.... don noe y..

i started talking to myself while they were bowling yesterday... Hmmm cuz no one seem to notice me i guess... i juz lost myself..

sigh sigh sigh..think i'll stay quiet till ppl start calling me.or smsing me.. i dont noe.. wads wrong dude... wad's wrong.

Hmm bowling seems to be the hardest thing that i've done. it seems that everytime i bowl, i get so demoralised. it seems that after i bowl, my parents make me feel like dying. haiz..

today.. i wanted to talk.. i wanted to talk so so much.. but i juz don noe y... words juz din come out.. i was like dead after 930. my brain was drained, tired of everthing. tired of moving. so i juz thought. thought of alot of things... ok... wait... they swirled in my mind.. i din think.. i juz saw them swirl swirl swirl and swirl. i don noe if i'm going to be alright... going nuts man.. they are playing against OCC tmr... hope i can g support them tmr... But... its like at seletar.... so far... haiz... and i'm at it again.. i don noe wad's wrong with me. haiz. juz lost i guess.. still in the dark.

Hmmm i remember that i was counselled once. in my sec sch years for being like, real bad.. and i mean it. haiz... i hate my past. but i like it when i was then... or younger la... hmmm ya i felt so much better back then.

Hmmm oh... yeah.. to those ppl taking o'level chinese good luck... Hmmm haha i mean it all the best man.. and get good grades....

oh yeah finally collected my o'level cert(really certified one) on wed.. my mom collected it for me... haiz... always din have time la... Hmmm haiz.... i saw it... and i really wondered why din i do better la... haiz... shit man... haiz... Hate my past... ... shit la... tears are coming to my eyes again.. Hmmm the past hurts me alot man... haiz... anyway... taking care.. bye

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.. GO and DIE.... dammit moody again... i feel like hitting someone again... ARGH... and guess wad... i hate it when my things are.. like CRACKED.. DAMN u.. FREAK u... forget it... i like hope not to talk anymore... ARGH... DAMMIT... IF i end my life like now i wont like regret it.. i REALLY...dammit... i cant be a fren... i cant talk... i flirt.. i just wanna pluck my heart out to see if like it'll beat... CUZ some how the one connected to my soul has stopped beating.. and pls don act... pls don act infront of me... i feel hurt.. angered...andARGH....

these thoughts run thru my mind like bullets man.. hmmm i wish.. how much i wish that my like would like be forever... not here... i wish that i can like live a better life... but i'm stuck... I'm stuck in this hole... i think i'll juz like go home early tmr.. talk less in sch.. ARGH...

u are stuck in my mind and i cannot get u out.. i cant to stop thinking about u... the thoughts that float into my hanging mind... is so stupid... u BAICHI>.. cant u be IDIOTIC? and like NOT think??? bitch u man...

sigh.. getting two faces again... dammit... i jus wanna be quiet and kind... like i was...once..in the past... why am i like this? MAN

HATE THIS...
MY life
TATTERED
TORN
TARNISHED
TAINTED
TARGETED

die.die.die

i'm not myself again. Its like music affects me so much.. i feel so like dying.. like disappearing.. into thin air.. i don noe...i'm so aimless. so crappy.. i don noe... i can barely act out my life now... i don noe.. i feel that i need sometime to think... and im not supposed to shut up in sch... i need someone freal close.. i need that someone... but... that someone i need is not known to me... i'm not close... i tRY to make ppl happy... i try to work but the things that go thru my mind now.. is all the things that i did the last week and during the holidays... i am so damn tired.... Smile willie... smile... haiz... it hurts again... don worry.. its my heart this time.. i swear... i don like breaking my words so don worry.. this song.. in my head right now... i din mean to DL it.. but it now seems too nice to not hear.. the pain i feel.. Tears and Pain.. the stabbing comes like so suddenly, i'm so cold from fear. fear of losing. i don noe wad will i do this time if i lost. lost again.. i'll go mad.. end my life. end my terrible days. the horror i imagine..sigh.. i rest tonight. i'm sorry.. i don noe wad else to think.. should things like go on?
i don noe... things that i do nvr seems to work.. move in one piece.... i'm so so tired... help me... i need help... i feel so weak.. so helpless.. so painful.. so useless... so fragile...so open... like a target.. broken with holes.. like a useless person... sigh..sigh...sigh
what in the world should i do?

been talking to myself lately on the things that i should do.. i'm not that sad anymore.. hopefully i wont be... and there's this brilliant thing that i found out now... i realise that i've been moody, sad or wadever... because of nothing... Hmmm... wad and ass. man... ahahah Hmmm anyway...i aint acting that well enough yet... AHAHAH onli...one person noes wad i truly have secret and i've not been talking to her lately too... HMMM hahaha BLEAH...OH>>>>>>>>> wait she's not my age too.. ahaha Hmmm my mom's been crazy the past week or so... wait... its not just my mom... my dad too.. haha oh well... cuz i din bowl that well in under21.. haiz... but wad... i was tired out on sat la.. played 12 games...and like my brain is like stressedout.. anyway... my parents is at our old house now.. in JURONG>.. the tenants that we had living there is moving out.. so its going to be empty again.. my parents are like asking ppl to move the things out now...(giving them away) and they are hiring ppl to clean up the house... hmm ya la... anyway....Hmmm they are planning to sell it...hmmm went back to my old house yesterday... haha and hmm i realise how BIG i've grown la.. hahah hmm ya... my room.. and stuff... haha hmm remembered that i used to climb the stairs by just climbing the hand rails haha so fun... haha Hmmm ya... and like everything was not that bad la...but selling a house is hard man... haiz... hopefully we can get a buyer and get a good price for it... hmmm ya...Hmmm everything seem to change so fast... haha but its ok... i think that i can live on with it... ya... they bowled yesterday... hmm i was hoping that i could go down early cuz.... i wanted to see all of them bowll.. haha but nvrmind.. haha i got to see some of them bowl.. Hmmm haiz... sorry........... my parents la... it seems to me that me and my parents the relationship is really deteorating... really fast... they juz reall annoy me... haiz.at times i juz hate the guts out of them.. anyway... hmmmm bowling hasnt been all that good... at least now,.. my score is settling at 150... i'll improve man.. i wanna beat mich.. whaha she's so pro la... 19 avg... sian... haiz...Hmmmm Hmmm

Hmmm my intentions are onli known to the frenliest fren that she claims to be... onli that person has my secret.. and i hope she keeps it.

Hmmm hahhahah don tell u guys who man!!! hahah but its not that one that u guys are always guessing. and. silence means i cannot find words to say... at least i noe when to keep quiet:P haha BLEAH...